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Area Man Spends Summer Having Wallet Stolen Across Europe
DECATUR, IL—Marcus Hayes, 22, even managed to learn a few helpful phrases throughout his travels, including the Dutch terms for "Please leave me alone" and "Stop, I really need this wallet to get home."
The onion Saturday, August 08, 2009

Sports: Brady Quinn Studies All Night For Written Portion Of QB Competition
CLEVELAND—Browns quarterback Brady Quinn announced Wednesday that he had been staying up all night to prepare for the written portion of the...
The onion Saturday, August 08, 2009

The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes
"The two female journalists held captive in North Korea are saying they were shocked to walk into a room and see Bill Clinton there. That's what they said. Then they said they were even more shocked to see him wearing nothing but a towel." --Conan O'Brien "I want to say happy birthday today to barack obama. The President just turned 48 years old, if he was ever really born, that is. I guess it all depends on whether you believe his 'birth certificate' or not." --Jimmy Kimmel "Obama's birthday is a reminder of why healthcare is so important. As you probably know, due to a lack of healthcare coverage, Obama's mother was turned away from a number of hospitals and was ultimately forced to give birth in a manger." --Jimmy Kimmel "Sonia Sotomayor was confirmed as the Supreme Court's first Hispanic justice. Or as Lou Dobbs reported it, yet another job gone south of the border." ?Conan O'Brien // "Today, former President Bill Clinton met with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il and
About Saturday, August 08, 2009

[audio] Spelling Bee Winner Fails To Spell Way Out Of Schoolyard Beating
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
The onion Saturday, August 08, 2009


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