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Man Uncomfortable With Lack Of Cliches In Recent Conversation
Matt Brecker, 31, of Schaumberg, Illinois, complained to reporters of a highly uncomfortable conversation he had with a fellow co-worker, Damien Horner, in which Horner stubbornly established his half of the conversation without the use of any clichés or truisms.
The enduring vision Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Messages From Obama's BlackBerry
President Obama has proven a difficult target for comedians and satirists, but the comedy team Kasper Hauser has managed to brilliantly skewer our seemingly parody-proof president in their irreverent new book, "Obama's BlackBerry." Satirizing the emails and text messages of our first BlackBerry-toting president, the book features hilarious imagined interchanges between Obama and his wife and daughters, Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, and the likes of Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh, and Sean Hannity. It's the funniest Obama humor book to date, and is well worth a read for political humor enthusiasts and Obamaphiles. Here's an exchange with Joe Biden: BidenMyTime: hey u, whatcha doin? BarackO: m really busy. w/ joint chiefs. BidenMyTime: need me? BarackO: got it covered. keep working on yr pet project. BidenMyTime: puppy? BarackO: universal healthcare. BidenMyTime: right :( can I leave at 4:45? BarackO: don't care BidenMyTime: how does MySpace work? BarackO: not now. ask malia One with Cl
About Tuesday, September 01, 2009

RNC's Health Scare Tactics
A recent fundraising mailer for the Republican National Committee was accompanied by a questionnaire which intimated that any health care reform may...
The onion Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Sports: Batting Doughnut Creator Still On Cutting Edge Of Making-Bats-Feel-Lighter-Than-They-Are-For-A-Few-Seconds Technology
ST. LOUIS—At a press conference Wednesday, James Santangeli, inventor of the 16-oz. batting doughnut, assured reporters, baseball players,...
The onion Tuesday, September 01, 2009

New College Freshman Refers To Dorm By Actual Name
NEWARK, DE—University of Delaware freshman Jared Kramer was overheard referring to dormitory Wolfington-Packard Hall by its full name...
The onion Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Ask A College Professor Having Trouble With The Audiovisual Equipment
Dear College Professor Having Trouble With The Audiovisual Equipment,Our son is at sleepaway camp this week, and I think he's...
The onion Tuesday, September 01, 2009

In Focus: World's 467,357th-Ranked Tennis Player Working On Serving Overhand
WEST PALM BEACH, FL—During a practice match at the Riviera Golf and Tennis Club with his wife, Gail, Tuesday, 54-year-old Steve Cohen, the...
The onion Tuesday, September 01, 2009

[audio] New Species Of Lobster May Have Come From Outer Space
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
The onion Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Your Letters Answered: September 1, 2009
Self-promotion, connections with old readers, and a little something called the cure for cancer. Our letters section is truly the planet's most valuable resource. Read on!
The enduring vision Tuesday, September 01, 2009

The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes
"In 2012, the Republicans are now talking about the presidential ticket, Dick Cheney and running as vice president Sarah Palin. Talk about your dream ticket. Oh buddy, the comedy recession is over. I mean, come on, talk about your shotgun marriage." --David Letterman "There was an article in Vanity Fair that says Sarah Palin -- listen to this, this borders on the creepy -- that what she was trying to do ? was adopt her daughter Bristol's baby. ? Oh yeah, like I'm going to make a joke about this. None of my business. Whatever you want. Live and let live, that's my motto." --David Letterman "But this article is quite an expose. The article claims that Sarah Palin really couldn't see russia from her house. The article also says that Sarah Palin was not much of a hunter. And I was thinking, I don't know, she killed John McCain's chances." --David Letterman "Jenna Bush was hired as a correspondent for the 'Today' show. People are wondering if her dad was a factor in her getting the job
About Tuesday, September 01, 2009

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