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About Wednesday, September 02, 2009Bernanke Had ID StolenFederal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke was one of the victims of a nationwide identity-fraud ring that stole $2.1 million from consumers and...
The onion Wednesday, September 02, 2009Pack Of Harpies Ordered Their Crostini Literally 20 Minutes AgoWILMINGTON, DE—According to sources at local restaurant Deep Blue, a table of four harpies perched near the window emitted shrill, ungodly...
The onion Wednesday, September 02, 2009Report: Some Kid's Head Cracked Open In Gym This MorningNAPERVILLE—Although the extent of the injury has not yet been determined, seventh-grade sources said that it was totally gushing blood and would probably need like 400 stitches.
The onion Wednesday, September 02, 2009In Focus: Man Succumbs To 7-Year Battle With Health InsuranceDENVER—According to an independent study, health insurance is the nation's No. 2 killer, claiming the lives of some 400,000 Americans each year.
The onion Wednesday, September 02, 2009Glenn Beck's 'Oligarhy' Spelling MisadventureIt's been well established by now that Glenn Beck is insane. But it turns out he can't spell either. FOX News Channel's resident paranoid conspiracy theorist recently
claimed on his show that he had deciphered a secret code that he said was proof President Obama was trying to create an "Oligarhy." To prove it, he wrote it out on his trusty chalkboard: Obama + Left + Internationalist + Graft + ACORN-Style Organizations + Revolutionaries + Hidden Agendas = O-L-I-G-A-R-H. (Watch video) He said "Y" was for asking questions, so here's one: Why do so many illiterate wingnuts suck at spelling? Watch Keith Olbermann mock Beck's spelling fail: "Oligarhy? Did Obama steal the letter 'C'?" Fark summed it up best: "Glenn Bek: blokhead, lod, lown, razy, retin, imbeile, knuklehead, ninompoop, psyho, shmuk" For those of you not acquainted with Beck's brand of insanity, here's a video montage featuring 12 minutes of Full Mental Beck spewing the craziest conspiracy rants you've ever heard on t
About Wednesday, September 02, 2009Obama Plans To Simplify Health Care Reform By Allowing Yahoo! Answers To Explain ItWith Congress unable to deliver a health care reform bill thus far, the Obama administration has announced plans to relinquish control of the legislative process to Yahoo! Answers, a popular online service where terrible questions are answered by people who don't know anything.
The enduring vision Wednesday, September 02, 2009[audio] Chocolate Factory Switches To All-Tourist LaborOnion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
The onion Wednesday, September 02, 2009The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes"In 2012, the Republicans are now talking about the
presidential ticket, Dick Cheney and running as vice president Sarah Palin. Talk about your dream ticket. Oh buddy, the comedy recession is over. I mean, come on, talk about your shotgun marriage." --David Letterman "There was an article in Vanity Fair that says Sarah Palin -- listen to this, this borders on the creepy -- that what she was trying to do ? was adopt her daughter Bristol's baby. ? Oh yeah, like I'm going to make a joke about this. None of my business. Whatever you want. Live and let live, that's my motto." --David Letterman "But this article is quite an expose. The article claims that Sarah Palin really couldn't see
russia from her house. The article also says that Sarah Palin was not much of a hunter. And I was thinking, I don't know, she killed John McCain's chances." --David Letterman "Jenna Bush was hired as a correspondent for the 'Today' show. People are wondering if her dad was a factor in her getting the job
About Wednesday, September 02, 2009
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