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Robert Pattinson's Shock Revelation!
Twilight star Robert Pattinson today appalled and delighted in equal measure, his legions of teen girl fans all over the world by casually announcing that he doesn't wash his hair because he simply doesn't really see the point. Pattinson fan, Moon...
The Spoof Thursday, September 03, 2009

Mother Of 18 Pregnant
Forty-two-year-old Michelle Duggar of the TLC show 18 Kids And Counting is expecting a 19th child in March. What do you think?
The onion Thursday, September 03, 2009

Sports: Small, Unathletic Walk-On Injures 9 Starters In Notre Dame Football Practice
SOUTH BEND, IN—During Wednesday's afternoon practice, 17-year-old Brian Novak, a 145-pound walk-on for the struggling Notre Dame football team, injured nine starters, including third-year quarterback Jimmy Clausen, junior wide receiver...
The onion Thursday, September 03, 2009

Walletless Biden Found Handcuffed To Bedpost
WASHINGTON—According to an incident report filed by the Secret Service, special agents responded early Wednesday morning to a distress call...
The onion Thursday, September 03, 2009

Sports: Bill Belichick's Tears Eat Through Podium
FOXBOROUGH, MA—In a rare show of emotion, Patriots coach Bill Belichick began to cry during linebacker Tedy Bruschi's farewell press conference Monday, shedding a noxious black discharge that burned through the podium and a solid concrete floor before eventually coming to rest deep inside the mantle of the earth below.
The onion Thursday, September 03, 2009

Jaycee Lee Dugard's Attempted Escapes Foiled by Her Abductor's Gardening Skills
Antioch, California - Despite what is being reported in the mainstream media, Jaycee Lee Dugard did attempt to escape, only her abductor's gardening skills frustrated and foiled her endeavors. "Each morning that sick bastard -- I mean the gentlema...
The Spoof Thursday, September 03, 2009

Opinion: You Follow One Kid Home, Rip Out His Eyes And All The Sudden You're A 'Killer' Squirrel
I'm a happy-go-lucky squirrel who loves living the good life of climbing trees and eating nuts. Mostly eating nuts. Man! I can't get enough of...
The onion Thursday, September 03, 2009

In Focus: Pfizer Launches 'Zoloft For Everything' Ad Campaign
NEW YORK--Seeking to broaden their customer base, Pfizer announced that Zoloft can cure everything, from pre-date jitters to the Monday blues.
The onion Thursday, September 03, 2009

Some Parents Fear Obama's Speech To Students Is Excuse To Have Sex With Them
Many conservatives have expressed outrage at President Obama's plan to broadcast a speech to children at public schools, complaining that his ulterior motive is obviously to indoctrinate the youngsters with sensual ideas, then engage in disgusting, illegal intercourse with them.
The enduring vision Thursday, September 03, 2009

[audio] Area Coach Calls Star Athlete Too Big To Fail
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
The onion Thursday, September 03, 2009

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