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Sports: Chase Utley Takes Seventh-Inning Stretch Too Seriously, Reports Teammates
PHILADELPHIA—After Monday night's game against the Florida Marlins, several of Chase Utley's Phillies teammates told reporters that the All-Star second baseman might be growing "obsessed" with stretching properly and singing in key during the seventh-inning stretch.
The onion Thursday, September 10, 2009

Wikipedia Contributors Mostly Male
A new study of Wikipedia showed that 87 percent of the site's editors were male. What do you think?
The onion Thursday, September 10, 2009

Sports: Team Jacket-Wearing, Transistor Radio-Listening Fan Sitting By Himself
CHICAGO—For the 213th game in a row, witnesses in Wrigley Field's upper deck section 433 reported seeing the same unidentified fan wearing a Cubs team jacket and listening to the game on a transistor radio Tuesday.
The onion Thursday, September 10, 2009

Latest Department Of Interior River Count Comes Up One Short
WASHINGTON—Officials at the Department of the Interior scrambled this week when their annual tally of the nation's rivers repeatedly came up...
The onion Thursday, September 10, 2009

A Smoove Evening
Damn. The last year has been full of challenges and heartbreak for Smoove B. His one true girl continues to ignore his many heartfelt...
The onion Thursday, September 10, 2009

[video] Americans Observing 911 By Trying Not To Masturbate
Americans say attending a 9/11 vigil or observing a moment of silence to only then come home to jerk off is disrespectful and wrong.
The onion Thursday, September 10, 2009

[video] 12-Year-Old Boy Scouts Volunteer To Give Women Breast Exams
Two prospective Eagle Scouts explain how they are preventing breast cancer by helping women examine their breasts.
The onion Thursday, September 10, 2009

Americans Prepare For Annual September 11th Terrorist Attacks
In a somber-yet-familiar way, many Americans have completed preparations for the next round of September 11 terrorist attacks, which are expected to happen tomorrow as they have been every year since the first assault in 2001. 
The enduring vision Thursday, September 10, 2009

The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes
"In 2012, the Republicans are now talking about the presidential ticket, Dick Cheney and running as vice president Sarah Palin. Talk about your dream ticket. Oh buddy, the comedy recession is over. I mean, come on, talk about your shotgun marriage." --David Letterman "There was an article in Vanity Fair that says Sarah Palin -- listen to this, this borders on the creepy -- that what she was trying to do ? was adopt her daughter Bristol's baby. ? Oh yeah, like I'm going to make a joke about this. None of my business. Whatever you want. Live and let live, that's my motto." --David Letterman "But this article is quite an expose. The article claims that Sarah Palin really couldn't see russia from her house. The article also says that Sarah Palin was not much of a hunter. And I was thinking, I don't know, she killed John McCain's chances." --David Letterman "Jenna Bush was hired as a correspondent for the 'Today' show. People are wondering if her dad was a factor in her getting the job
About Thursday, September 10, 2009

Brown Freshman Week kinky initiation ritual for Emma Watson and Scout LaRue Willis!
Providence, Rhode Island - (Poison Ivy League Mess): 'A lot like the Skull And Bones but without the osteoporosis'. That's how acolytes describe the ceremonial that awaits Scarlet Letter actress Scout LaRue Willis and harry potter star Emma Watson...
The Spoof Thursday, September 10, 2009

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