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Die Young, Live Fast
A recent survey suggests teens who believe they'll die at a young age are more likely to engage in risky behavior. What do you think?
The onion Friday, September 11, 2009

Liechtenstein, Andorra Forced To Fight By Larger Countries
HELSINKI—"They have to do it for real, though; they can't just declare a cease-fire after 20 minutes," German chancellor Angela Merkel said. "And no cyberwars either. We want real bullets, real people. We'll know if they're just circling around each other pretending to fight."
The onion Friday, September 11, 2009

America's Got Talent's Barbara Padilla Knocks Everyone's Socks Off!
HOLLYWOOD - The entire America's Got Talent audience as well as all three AGT judges gave Houston opera singer Barbara Padilla a standing ovation. And that standing O from the judges is extremely rare especially considering the fact that British...
The Spoof Friday, September 11, 2009

Sports: Eight Sailors Suspended In Boat-Clearing Brawl
RAS AL-KHAIMAH, UAE—Famed yacht club the Société Nautique de Genève suspended eight sailors from the Alinghi of Switzerland and BMW Oracle Racing teams Friday for their part in an ugly boat-clearing brawl during the 33rd America's Cup.
The onion Friday, September 11, 2009

University Of Illinois Researchers Find Link Between Attending University Of Illinois, Receiving Solid Education At Great Price
URBANA, IL—According to a new study conducted by researchers at the University of Illinois, there is a strong correlation between enrolling...
The onion Friday, September 11, 2009

The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes
"In 2012, the Republicans are now talking about the presidential ticket, Dick Cheney and running as vice president Sarah Palin. Talk about your dream ticket. Oh buddy, the comedy recession is over. I mean, come on, talk about your shotgun marriage." --David Letterman "There was an article in Vanity Fair that says Sarah Palin -- listen to this, this borders on the creepy -- that what she was trying to do ? was adopt her daughter Bristol's baby. ? Oh yeah, like I'm going to make a joke about this. None of my business. Whatever you want. Live and let live, that's my motto." --David Letterman "But this article is quite an expose. The article claims that Sarah Palin really couldn't see russia from her house. The article also says that Sarah Palin was not much of a hunter. And I was thinking, I don't know, she killed John McCain's chances." --David Letterman "Jenna Bush was hired as a correspondent for the 'Today' show. People are wondering if her dad was a factor in her getting the job
About Friday, September 11, 2009

[video] 911 Conspiracy Theories 'Ridiculous,' Al Qaeda Says
An Al Qaeda representative says that claims the U.S. government was behind the attacks on Sept. 11th are demeaning to Al Qaeda.
The onion Friday, September 11, 2009

Your Letters Answered: September 11, 2009
Is wishing for the President's death illegal, or merely just poor taste? We find out in this week's inspiring update. Plus: other stupid thoughts!
The enduring vision Friday, September 11, 2009

[audio] Nation's Wood Nymphs Unveil Plan To Reduce Dependence On Foreign Dewdrops
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
The onion Friday, September 11, 2009

Janet Jackson To Honor Her Pussy At VMA's
New York, New York - From the loft of her 'on again, off again' lover, aging thespian Robert Deniro, Janet Jackson, the singer who caused such an uproar with her wardrobe malfunction at the Super Bowl on February 1, 2004, has announced that she will...
The Spoof Friday, September 11, 2009

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