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Paul Simms: Attention, People of Earth
We are on our way to your planet. We will be there shortly. But in this, our first contact with you, our “headline” is: We do not want your gravel. We are coming to Earth, first of all, just to see if we can actually do it. Second . . .
New Yorker Monday, September 14, 2009

Cartoons from the Issue
A collection of cartoons from the issue, plus this week's cartoon Caption Contest.
New Yorker Monday, September 14, 2009

Outrageous Pictionary Drawing To Go Down In Area Family Lore
IONIA, MI—At the time, no one predicted the dramatic finish that many now expect will be permanently chronicled in the annals of Anderson family lore, perhaps surpassing in its tellings the legendary occasion upon which Grandma Florence did the chicken dance at Cousin Marcia's wedding.
The onion Monday, September 14, 2009

Dogs As Smart As 2-Year-Olds
Researchers have found that dogs are capable of comprehending up to 250 words, can count to five, and are capable of deception, putting them on par...
The onion Monday, September 14, 2009

[video] 'Cosmopolitan' Institute Completes Decades-Long Study On How To Please Your Man
Cosmo scientists have finally cataloged every single way to satisfy your man's carnal cravings by stimulating his secret sex zones.
The onion Monday, September 14, 2009

Sports: Web Gem Disappointing
URBANA, IL—The No. 3 Web Gem of the Day, Blue Jays third baseman Jose Bautista's backhand pickup of an Evan Longoria grounder, was a "great disappointment" to avid baseball fan Andrew Missel, who questioned whether the play deserved any honor at all. "So, what—he just short-hopped the ball?" asked Missel, who has often expressed deep dissatisfaction with the rankings and nominations of the Baseball Tonight segment.
The onion Monday, September 14, 2009

Bill Maher Challenges Obama: 'Stand Up For The 70 Percent Of Americans Who Aren't Crazy'
Bill Maher had harsh words for President Obama in his latest installment of "New Rules," accusing him of caving to "crazy evil morons" and their paranoid delusions. Maher called the White House "cowards" for capitulating to right-wing attacks on everything from end-of-life counseling to Obama's speech to schoolchildren to the resignation of Van Jones. "The Democrats just never learn," Maher lamented, "Americans don?t really care which side of an issue you?re on as long as you don?t act like pu**ies. When Van Jones called the Republicans a**holes, he was actually paying them a compliment. He was. He was talking about how they can get things done even when they?re the minority as opposed to the Democrats who can?t seem to get anything done even when they control both houses of Congress, the Presidency and Bruce Springsteen." Instead of trying to win over his delusional critics, Maher said Obama should instead "stand up for the 70 percent of Americans who aren't crazy" ? the "sentien
About Monday, September 14, 2009

[audio] Authorities Called In To Examine Suspicious-Looking Ham
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
The onion Monday, September 14, 2009

[video] U.S. Condemned For Pre-Emptive Use Of Hillary Clinton Against Pakistan
Innocent civilians across the impact zone are picking up the pieces after Secretary of State Clinton's tedious visits to their farms, cultural centers.
The onion Monday, September 14, 2009

John Phillips Ex Wives Say that He Really Wanted Valerie Bertinelli, Not Daughter Mackenzie
Two ex wifes of the late John Phillips said that the Mamas and the Papas singer never wanted to sleep with his daughter Mackenzie. Instead, Papa John really wanted to be with her cute, pixie like One Day at a Time co-star Balerie Bertinelli. Mama...
The Spoof Monday, September 14, 2009


Archived humor news stories.

Available news archives.

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