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'America's Got Restraint' to Debut on ABC
ABC's new reality TV show, "America's Got Restraint", is scheduled to air for the first time on Tuesday to open the new fall season, alongside competing reality shows such as "Hey, Fatass!" and "Rich Wealthy Riches".
The enduring vision Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Music Companies Suing 'Ellen'
The Ellen DeGeneres Show is being sued by a number of record labels, including Sony, Warner Bros., and Motown, for unauthorized use of music...
The onion Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Sports: Superstitious John Lackey Has To Build, Destroy A Luxury Hotel Before Every Start
ANAHEIM, CA—Following John Lackey's most recent win, teammates on the Angels revealed that one of the superstitious starting pitcher's most prominent pre-game rituals is to design, construct, and demolish a luxury hotel before he takes the mound.
The onion Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Amish Woman Knew She Had Quilt Sale The Moment She Laid Eyes On Chicago Couple
LANCASTER, PA—Repeatedly referring to them as "easy money," Amish quilt shop proprietor Mary Stolzfus, 43, said Monday that as soon as she...
The onion Tuesday, September 15, 2009

[video] New Live Poll Allows Pundits To Pander To Viewers In Real Time
In The Know's new live internet poll feature revolutionizes how pundits shamelessly cater to what viewers want to hear.
The onion Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Opinion: Come Now, Let Us Take Refuge Inside This Waffle House
My love, you are shivering! And so pale. Here, wear my cloak over your own. We have walked for many miles, and I had hoped the skies would have...
The onion Tuesday, September 15, 2009

U.S. Government Finds 20 Trillion Buried By Absentminded Reagan In 1987
WASHINGTON—While senior officials were initially unsure of where the hoard of valuables had come from, a number of clues—most notably a framed photo of former first lady Nancy Reagan accompanied by the note "Don't be angry with me, Mommy"—seemed to point to the 40th president.
The onion Tuesday, September 15, 2009

[audio] President Obama Narrowly Escapes Square Dance
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
The onion Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Susan Boyle: the new Snow White
Has anyone noticed how white Susan Boyle is? Susan Boyle - a white virginal old maid - became an instant star when her rendition of 'I Dreamed a Dream' on Britain's Got Talent was posted on the internet's popular youtube. Most of the youtube hits ca...
The Spoof Tuesday, September 15, 2009


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