There are some people who can't control themselves behind the wheel -- grandmothers and Asians, mostly -- but I'm not one of those people. I'm the best driver I know, even with years of driving horribly impaired, under the influence of whatever I can get my hands on, whether it was a little bit of Jack and Coke or a few rags of paint thinner. And you know what? I think driving in a severely impaired state all this time is what sharpened my skills so well.

CHICAGO—"Now that I think about it, a lot of little things have sort of slowly added up, like when they reduced my lunch hour to 30 minutes last October," Stephen Durkee said while walking CFO Janice Dugan's poorly behaved English bulldog.

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

"According to some reports coming out of Washington today, President Obama said Kanye West is a 'jackass.' Not since 'yes, we can' has Obama found a slogan so many Americans can get behind." --Conan O'Brien "Kayne West interrupted Taylor Swift's acceptance speech. And after he did that, after he was done interrupting her, MTV threw him out of the building. So it's official. MTV has a lower tolerance for bad behavior than the United States Congress." --Conan O'Brien "In Connecticut -- this is weird -- one of the Republican candidates running for Congress is the former CEO of the WWE wrestling organization, which could be good. Congressmen will be less likely to scream out, 'You lie!' if they could get hit with a folding chair." --Conan O'Brien "According to the Philadelphia Inquirer, a secret panel meets every week in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, to go through applications for state vanity license plates to reject any that are considered sleazy or offensive. They wouldn't want anyone wit

New York, New York - CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer is saying "It's my turn!" after fielding a blitz of media and internet mockery following his humiliating last-place finish on Thursday's edition of Celebrity Jeopardy. Blitzer lost Double Jeopardy with...

Kristen Stewart has been having to stop some filming scenes of late to hurry to the bathroom on the run. This has set the tongues to wagging as an inside source repeated what he had been hearing, Monday. "Several of the ladies say she is pregnant...

Long running soap-opera popular beat combo all girl trio Sugarbabes have split. . .Again. Keisha Buchanan formed the group back in 1998 with then friends Mutya Buena and Siobhan Donaghy. The pressures of popularity, fame, wealth and as many M&...

Chicago, Illinois - "Despite what you may hear from me here today about my relationship with my dad," said sober Mackenzie Phillips, offering up dating advice to the young women in the Oprah Show audience after her spine tingling, jaw dropping, mouth...