"You probably heard this on the news today. There are new security alerts issued to law enforcement agencies all across the country, because Al Qaeda is planning to attack vital economic centers. Well, good luck trying to find one of those. Luckily, Wall Street took care of them about a year ago, so we are safe." --Jay Leno "President Obama was on six different TV shows pitching his healthcare plan over the last couple of days. You know the difference between Obama and the ShamWow guy? You can see the ShamWow guy on Fox." --Jay Leno "Some good gossip. There's a new book out about Barack and Michelle Obama's marriage. And in it, they say that Michelle Obama was very upset by all these drooling blonds who would push up to her husband and rub themselves up against him. They said this. One blonde was especially suggestive and kept rubbing up against the President. And finally, Michelle said, 'Look, Chris Matthews, get away from my husband.'" --Jay Leno "And Libyan leader Moammar Qadda

Actress Mackenzie Phillips, star of One Day At A Time, writes in her new memoir that she had a consensual sexual relationship with her father,...

NEW YORK—Following a particularly stressful day at her high-powered job, sultry career woman Jessica Barrett, 34, announced Tuesday she would take a hot, steamy bath upon returning to her spacious Manhattan penthouse.

NEW YORK—With Citi Field attendance during Sunday's matchup barely reaching 70 percent, Mets pitcher John Maine let fans who actually came...

WASHINGTON—According to White House sources, an increasingly cautious President Obama has begun testing out parts of his executive agenda on...

Saturday night live's "Weekend Update" Thursday took aim at President Obama's recent media blitz in a skit portraying him appearing everywhere from the Food Network to MTV, but not FOX News. The skit also featured the debut of Glenn Beck (played by Jason Sudeikis), with SNL mocking his conspiracy theories, muppet-like voice, and inability to spell (see: "Oligarhy"). In a separate skit, Darrell Hammond reprised his roll as Bill Clinton, sitting down with Seth Meyers to discuss Megan FOX, his secret tapes, and Monica Lewinsky. New York Gov. David Patterson (played by Fred Armisen) also stopped by to gripe about Obama?s effort to dissuade him from running for election, wondering why the ?busiest man in the world? was bullying him. ?It's like the pope calling a local priest and telling him to go to Hell,? he said. Watch the full episode. Get Political Humor on Facebook and Twitter

WASHINGTON—"We've come up against an unforeseen circumstance, but we'll resume deliberation and voting as quickly as is reasonably possible," said majority leader and Budget Committee chaircat Sen. Creamsicle (D-ND), stretching out to his entire length and repeatedly kneading the chamber carpet.

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

LOS ANGELES CA - Jenny Slate had been showered with compliments and congratulations since airing the F-word recently on TV. Most letters coming in praise her for her honesty in using the word that everyone knows was the most appropriate for the sk...