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Sports: Michael Vick Fails To Inspire Team With 'Great' Dogfighting Story
PHILADELPHIA—Michael Vick's pregame pep talk Sunday, in which he recounted the events of a brutal 2004 dogfight between his pit bull terrier Zebro and rival pit bull Maniac, failed to inspire his teammates in any way whatsoever, Eagles team sources reported.
The onion Thursday, October 01, 2009

New Mariah Carey CD Has Ads
The 34-page booklet for Memoirs Of An Imperfect Angel, the new CD from Island Def Jam recording artist Mariah Carey, includes advertisements...
The onion Thursday, October 01, 2009

Opinion: There's Nothing More Exhausting Than A Long Day Of Placing Vaginal Transmitters In Moose (by Gary Patrick)
Man, am I beat. You ever feel so wiped at the end of the day that the thought of going back to work the next morning is just unbearable? Yeah,...
The onion Thursday, October 01, 2009

Relationship Not A Power Struggle, Woman Who's Winning Reports
ST. CLOUD, MN—Local resident Paula Sizemore, 29, who has consistently dominated her 28-year-old boyfriend Sam Leach during the entirety of...
The onion Thursday, October 01, 2009

[video] Poll: Happy, Healthy Obamas Out Of Touch With Miserable Americans
Panelists discuss whether Obama's openly loving, considerate family is a slap in the face to the average American who only bears feelings of...
The onion Thursday, October 01, 2009

Sports: Lions Victory Celebration Ultimately Plunges Fans Into Deeper Depression
DETROIT—Euphoria gave way to deep, unwavering depression Sunday when fans celebrating the Detroit Lions' first win in two years realized the...
The onion Thursday, October 01, 2009

[video] Paleontologists Discover Skeleton Of Natures First Sexual Predator
Paleontologists believe the intact skeleton could shed light on the bizarre fetishes of this pervert dinosaur.
The onion Thursday, October 01, 2009

Palin Going Rogue: An American Laughingstock
With Sarah Palin's memoir due out next month, comedians are already chomping at the bit in anticipation of the return of their favorite political punch line. "Sarah Palin's 400-page memoir is going to be released on November 17th, and it's called 'Going Rogue: An American Life.' And critics say that it starts out okay, it get's really exciting and then confusing, and then the last 100 pages are blank." --Jimmy Fallon "The book costs $24.99, but it has a $5,000 jacket." --Jimmy Fallon "People in Alaska are looking forward to Sarah Palin's memoir. They're already calling it 'The Book to Nowhere.'" --David Letterman "They say she finished the book ahead of schedule so they moved the release date up to November 17th. So, turns out she can finish something." --Jimmy Kimmel "It's a big, huge book. But when you go into the store, you can use that big book to step up so you can reach a better book." --David Letterman "But the book has got a lot of beautiful color photos that Sarah has
About Thursday, October 01, 2009

[audio] Thousands Of Unemployed Manufacturing Robots Join Military
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
The onion Thursday, October 01, 2009

Couple To Wed Despite Impending Nuclear Holocaust
Though experts' theories of the cause of the looming apocalypse vary, most agree that it's a given, and will likely involve fear, pestilence, and nuclear holocaust.
The enduring vision Thursday, October 01, 2009

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