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Shell Executives Accuse Oil-Covered Otter Of Playing It Up
OAK HARBOR, WA—"He's fine," said Shell president Marvin Odum. "Trust me, before all of the cameras and reporters showed up, our little buddy here was having no problem at all cleaning himself off. Now, all of a sudden, it's severe spastic convulsions this and complete kidney failure that."
The onion Friday, October 02, 2009

Sports: Reds Cut Magic Number To 17
CINCINNATI—Trailing the first-place Cardinals by only 15 games with less than a week to go in the regular season, the Cincinnati Reds cut their magic number down to 17 with a win over St. Louis Tuesday.
The onion Friday, October 02, 2009

Town Proud Of Water Tower
RICE, MN—Local residents reported Monday that the 157-foot-tall water tower in the center of town was the finest water storage structure in...
The onion Friday, October 02, 2009

In Focus: Rematch With Mechanical Bull Planned All Week Long
LEXINGTON, KY—Ever since a humiliatingly short mechanical-bull ride at the Cadillac Ranch last Thursday, area resident Scott Wiseck has been planning a rematch, the 27-year-old UPS deliveryman reported Tuesday.
The onion Friday, October 02, 2009

Nevada Has Highest Percentage Of Uninsured Children
A Census report says that Nevada leads the nation in uninsured children, with nearly 20 percent lacking health coverage. What do you think?
The onion Friday, October 02, 2009

In Focus: Woman Who 'Loves Brazil' Has Only Seen Four Square Miles Of It
WILKES-BARRE, PA-Joan Pavlik, a 49-year-old Wilkes-Barre dental hygienist, is "completely in love with Brazil," despite the fact that she has only seen four square miles of land surrounding the Sol Rio Internacional Resort near Rio de Janeiro.
The onion Friday, October 02, 2009

[audio] Christian Loan Shark Prays For Strength To Break Another Thumb
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
The onion Friday, October 02, 2009

David Letterman Admits To Having ''You-Know-What'' With Staff Members
NEW YORK CITY - It appears that The Late Show With David Letterman staff was from all looks of it a pretty darn close knit bunch of happy folks. NBC studio janitors have reported hearing a wide gamut of sounds emanating from the closed staff confe...
The Spoof Friday, October 02, 2009


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