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The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes
"President Obama and Oprah Winfrey are going to Copenhagen together this week to push for Chicago to host the 2016 Olympics. The bad news is while they're gone the country's going to be run by Joe Biden and Jerry Springer." --Conan O'Brien "President Obama says he will use all of his powers of persuasion to get the Olympics in Chicago. I thought, well, great. It's worked pretty well so far with his healthcare plan. Good luck there." --David Letterman "Big healthcare news. This just happened. The public option backed by President Obama was just voted down by the Senate Finance Committee, or as supporters of universal healthcare call them, 'The Death Panel.' The final tally was eight voted 'yes,' 15 voted 'you lie!'" --Jimmy Fallon "Sarah Palin's 400-page memoir is going to be released on November 17th, and it's called 'Going Rogue: An American Life.' And critics say that it starts out okay, it get's really exciting and then confusing, and then the last 100 pages are blank." --Jimmy
About Tuesday, October 06, 2009

T. Rex Skeleton Put Up For Auction At Casino
A nearly complete skeleton of a Tyrannosaurus rex found in South Dakota was put up for auction at the Venetian casino in Las Vegas last weekend. What...
The onion Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Sports: Promise Of Hot Meal, Free Uniform All Juwan Howard Needed To Sign With Blazers
PORTLAND, OR—Speaking with members of the Portland media Tuesday, veteran forward Juwan Howard announced between spoonfuls of complimentary...
The onion Tuesday, October 06, 2009

'Entertainment Weekly' Critic Lets Director Redo 'Sorority Row' For Better Grade
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Critic Kate Ward told reporters Monday that she has given director Stewart Hendler a chance to reshoot his horror-thriller...
The onion Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Opinion: Looks Like We Got Ourselves A Regular Nobel Prize Winning Physicist Douglas Osheroff On Our Hands (by Pete Goldwag)
Hey, check out the "professor" over here. "Oh, the beer at this party isn't very cold," he says. Well, now, aren't we just a regular expert in...
The onion Tuesday, October 06, 2009

In Focus: Dollar Weakest In 31 Years
For the first time since 1976, the Canadian dollar has achieved parity with the American dollar. What are the factors behind the slide of American...
The onion Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Obama: Health Care Plan Would Give Seniors Right To Choose How They Are Killed
WASHINGTON—"If your grandmother would rather be euthanized in the privacy of her own home than be gutted and hanged on a high school soccer field, she is entitled to that right," said the president, who acknowledged that "wiping out" the nation's elderly population has always been his No. 1 priority.
The onion Tuesday, October 06, 2009

[audio] New High School Alumni Make Successful Use Of Vague Graduation Advice
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
The onion Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Country Finally Ruined
After centuries of proclamations by citizens that "[some politician, religious group, or minority] is ruining this country", the United States finally entered a state of ruin today, dissolving all federal, state, and local governments and declaring a state of perpetual anarchy and pestilence.
The enduring vision Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Robert Pattinson Confesses To Kristen
Apparently Robert Pattinson had something in his past that he really didn't want Kristen Stewart to know but she knew instinctively that there has always been something that he has been holding back. So, this past weekend he told her, and it didn...
The Spoof Tuesday, October 06, 2009

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