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Autism More Common Than Thought
A new government study published in the journal Pediatrics indicates that one in every 91 American children is affected by autism instead of...
The onion Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Bank Of America CEO Resigns
Once heralded as a shrewd innovator, embattled CEO Ken Lewis is now leaving Bank Of America. Here are some key missteps from the past 18 months...
The onion Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Sports: Cyberball Robot Player's Union Says Lockout Likely In 2073 Season
EARTH—DR-66, the Variable Representative Unit for the ICBL Robot Players Union, announced Monday that collective-bargaining agreement...
The onion Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Favorite Stick Brought Inside
DENVER—Discarding a number of twigs that did not conform to his high standards, Nicholas Thompson, 5, finally selected a favorite stick from...
The onion Wednesday, October 07, 2009

The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes
"President Obama and Oprah Winfrey are going to Copenhagen together this week to push for Chicago to host the 2016 Olympics. The bad news is while they're gone the country's going to be run by Joe Biden and Jerry Springer." --Conan O'Brien "President Obama says he will use all of his powers of persuasion to get the Olympics in Chicago. I thought, well, great. It's worked pretty well so far with his healthcare plan. Good luck there." --David Letterman "Big healthcare news. This just happened. The public option backed by President Obama was just voted down by the Senate Finance Committee, or as supporters of universal healthcare call them, 'The Death Panel.' The final tally was eight voted 'yes,' 15 voted 'you lie!'" --Jimmy Fallon "Sarah Palin's 400-page memoir is going to be released on November 17th, and it's called 'Going Rogue: An American Life.' And critics say that it starts out okay, it get's really exciting and then confusing, and then the last 100 pages are blank." --Jimmy
About Wednesday, October 07, 2009

In Focus: Deficit-Wracked Maryland Calls It Quits
ANNAPOLIS, MD—Citing mounting debt and a decline in tourism dollars, the state of Maryland will shut down for good on August 31, Maryland Gov. Robert L. Ehrlich Jr. told reporters Monday.
The onion Wednesday, October 07, 2009

[audio] Having Pool Table In Bar A Terrible Idea
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
The onion Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Politicians Gone Wild: Song and Dance Edition
Tom DeLay may have danced his last samba on Dancing With the Stars, but we will always have the memories of his gyrating ass seared into our brains. DeLay now joins the pantheon of political greats who have captured our imagination with their song and dance routines. And by captured, we mean taking us hostage, putting us in a stress position, and torturing us in a manner that shocks the conscience. See where DeLay ranks in our list of the Top 12 Most Laughable Political Song and Dance Routines of All Time, featuring such wild antics as George W. Bush's African dance, "MC" Karl Rove's rap performance, and Rod Blagojevich's Elvis impersonation. Related: Top 10 Viral Videos of 2009 (So Far) Funny Obama Videos Latest Funny Political Videos Get Political Humor on Facebook and Twitter
About Wednesday, October 07, 2009


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