"Athletic ability can only get you so far in this league," said Ford at a press conference. "This season, a group of likeable misfits is about to show the pros that with a little heart, anything is possible."

A study conducted by a statistical information company concluded that drivers of Hummers received 4.63 times the number of citations other drivers...

BRISTOL, CT—In what is being called the biggest gaffe in the sports network's 30-year history, ESPN totally forgot to cover last week's Brett Favre vs. Green Bay Packers storyline.

BOSTON—Despite having never before given the topic a moment's thought, maintenance mechanic Ron Krueger, 46, aggressively defended his home...

"President Obama and Oprah Winfrey are going to Copenhagen together this week to push for Chicago to host the 2016 Olympics. The bad news is while they're gone the country's going to be run by Joe Biden and Jerry Springer." --Conan O'Brien "President Obama says he will use all of his powers of persuasion to get the Olympics in Chicago. I thought, well, great. It's worked pretty well so far with his healthcare plan. Good luck there." --David Letterman "Big healthcare news. This just happened. The public option backed by President Obama was just voted down by the Senate Finance Committee, or as supporters of universal healthcare call them, 'The Death Panel.' The final tally was eight voted 'yes,' 15 voted 'you lie!'" --Jimmy Fallon "Sarah Palin's 400-page memoir is going to be released on November 17th, and it's called 'Going Rogue: An American Life.' And critics say that it starts out okay, it get's really exciting and then confusing, and then the last 100 pages are blank." --Jimmy

Here are some tips to help keep you healthy and germ-free during these cold winter months:

There's nothing I enjoy more than the creamy, tangy taste of a homemade potato salad. "Heaven in a Bowl," I like to call it. I've been a fool for...

PHILADELPHIA—In an absolutely precious little press conference before the start of the NLDS Wednesday, the upstart Colorado Rockies confirmed that they would be making the most adorable effort to win the World Series this year.

Los Angeles, CA - Police were called today to quell a ruckus at the Van Nuys Sperm Bank. Dozens of officers spilled out of vans and rushed into the modern facility handily located right next to a Dunkin Donuts shop. Upon entering the bank, donut c...

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland