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McDonald's Abandons Iceland
Iceland's three McDonald's locations are closing because of the collapse of the island nation's currency. What do you think?
The onion Friday, October 30, 2009

Group Of Popular Girls Reduces Nation To Tears
NEW YORK—"It's like they don't even know I'm alive," said John Green, 91, of Miami. "I don't know why I let it bother me. I've lived a rich, rewarding life. But they're so pretty, and their hair is so perfect."
The onion Friday, October 30, 2009

Sports: World Series Sub-Subplot Involves Yogi Berra Driving Through Philadelphia In 1953
NEW YORK—Alex Rodriguez's first World Series appearance and the Philadelphia Phillies' attempt to repeat as champions may have emerged as...
The onion Friday, October 30, 2009

Sasha Obama Orders Secret Service Agent To Stop Squirming During Makeover
WASHINGTON—According to White House sources, first daughter Sasha Obama, 8, issued a direct order to Special Agent James Warren of the...
The onion Friday, October 30, 2009

In Focus: Senate Ethics Committee To Meet In New Ethics Committee Mansion
WASHINGTON, DC--According to members of the committee, weighty ethical issues are best discussed in one of the 12 hot tubs that adorn the secluded mountain estate.
The onion Friday, October 30, 2009

The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes
"One of the top selling costumes this Halloween is a vampire version of President Obama called 'Barackula.' Also very popular is the vampire version of former Vice President Dick Cheney, called 'Dick Cheney.'" -Conan O'Brien "Former President George W. Bush made his debut as a motivational speaker. Afterwards, Bush said, 'The crowd was so motivated, many of them left halfway through.'" -Conan O'Brien "Bush is actually really good at motivating. Last year, he motivated everyone to vote for Obama." -Jimmy Fallon "In a speech in Canada, former President George W. Bush said he was proud that when he was in office he didn't sell his soul, which is true. He rented it to Dick Cheney, who then sublet it to Halliburton, but it's totally different." -Jay Leno "Former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is promoting her new book and she's going to appear on the Oprah Winfrey Show. ... Sarah and Oprah. On the one hand, a very powerful woman qualified to be President of the United States, and on
About Friday, October 30, 2009

[audio] World's Dietitians Urge America To Reduce Its Mayonnaise Footprint
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
The onion Friday, October 30, 2009

Lindsay Lohan's Mother Announces She Will Take Lindsay's Place
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - In a dramatic and highly unprecedented move Lindsay Lohan's beautiful look-a-like mother, Dina Lohan has announced to the entertainment media that she will be taking her daughter's place. The elder Lohan stated that for the past...
The Spoof Friday, October 30, 2009

Cheryl Cole (5'3'') and Dannii Minogue (5'2'') To Co-Host The Telethon To Benefit Short People
MANCHESTER, England - X-Factor Judges Cheryl Cole and Dannii Minogue will be co-hosting The 1st Annual Telethon To Benefit Short People. The idea first came to Cole one day when she opened up her kitchen cupboard to get a drinking glass. She said...
The Spoof Friday, October 30, 2009

Many X-Factor Fans Are Calling For Simon Cowell To Be Arrested
LONDON - Literally tens of thousands of viewers and fans of the British musical reality show X-Factor are angrily asking that one of the shows judges Simon Cowell be arrested. Furious fans and vehement voters from all over the United Kingdom are b...
The Spoof Friday, October 30, 2009

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