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Sports: 95-Year-Old Yankees Fan Afraid He'll Never Get To See Team Win 27 More World Series
NEW YORK—Michael Grippo, a 95-year-old Bronx native, told reporters Wednesday that he is "worried sick" that he won't live to see the Yankees win another 27 World Series titles.
The onion Friday, November 06, 2009

Just Area Man's Luck
KENOSHA, WI—Amid questions as to why this kind of shit always happens to him, area resident Patrick Kennedy told reporters Monday it was...
The onion Friday, November 06, 2009

Ohio Legalized Casinos
Voters in Ohio approved a plan to open casinos in the state's four largest cities. What do you think?
The onion Friday, November 06, 2009

In Focus: Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear
PESHTIGO, WI--After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.
The onion Friday, November 06, 2009

The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes
"President Obama said that his economic plan has saved or created one million new jobs. Well, one million and two if you count the new jobs he's created for governors of Virginia and New Jersey." -Jay Leno "One year ago today, ladies and gentlemen, barack obama was elected president one year ago today. One year later, we're still in Iraq. We're still in Afghanistan. But, you know, at least we got rid of Paula Abdul." -David Letterman "Hey, the health care bill was introduced yesterday. It's 1,990 pages long and costs $894 billion dollars. Or $2.2 million per word. That makes them the most expensive words to come out of Washington since 'Mission Accomplished.'" -Jimmy Fallon "Here, of course, we celebrate Halloween. In Mexico they call it what? 'Day of the Dead,' where people believe the dead rise and walk the earth again. Or, as folks at Acorn call it, the 'Voter Registration Day.'" -Jay Leno "He's OK now, but during the middle of his show FOX News commentator Glenn Beck was rush
About Friday, November 06, 2009

[audio] Scientists Dissect Coworker To Find Out More About Scientists
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
The onion Friday, November 06, 2009


Archived humor news stories.

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